Boundaries: Painful, Powerful and Permissible
If you often feel an overwhelming urge to “fix someone” and fear that setting boundaries will upset them, you might avoid it. The thought of disappointing others is a common reason many people (myself included), refrain from establishing boundaries.
However, fixing others is not your responsibility. Having the uncomfortable conversation can bring clarity and even strengthen relationships. The discomfort feeling is a sign, telling you this is different and unfamiliar, a little squeamish sensation.
Understanding Boundary Models
Many of us were not exposed to healthy boundary-setting practices. For instance, learning to say “no” may have led to conflict, punishment, or the perception that someone’s love was conditional in your past experience. Your body remembers that old data and responds to the old transcript. Your body is responding like they’re dangerous, but the danger isn’t real anymore.
Often, boundaries are misunderstood. Setting boundaries is not about punishing others, raising a wall, or controlling someone else’s behavior. Boundaries are hard and initially painful.
Boundary Models
Boundaries were not familiar or modeled as a healthy skill for many of us; saying “no” may also have led to conflict, punishment, or someone separating their love from you. This interaction has trained your body to recognize this as a threat, and it feels uncomfortable altogether.
It’s not so much the actual conversation; it’s about what didn’t transition smoothly in history. According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and relationship expert, she sent out an Instagram post titled “Signs That You Need Boundaries.” It exploded and obviously went viral. Here are the Signs in her post:
- You feel overwhelmed
- You feel resentment toward people for asking for your help
- You avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something
- You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return
- You feel burned out
- You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing
- You have no time for yourself
It’s particularly easy to understand the importance and depth of establishing healthy boundaries, as most of us experience these challenges in our own lives. Clarity is the key component to boundary setting since people cannot read our minds.
People have no idea what you want.
First, let’s be clear in stating our truth. Second, your peace of mind after practice and implementation will set you free (and you will improve with each boundary you set). Third, the relief of not abandoning yourself is grounding, and that’s real.
Permission For Protection
I love the definition Nedra Tawwab states in her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.” The definition in Dictionary.com is: a limit that separates acceptable behavior from unacceptable behavior. Also a good one to ponder.
Learning your comfort level of when to say yes or no when interacting with others is imperative. It’s not a selfish act; in the long run, it’s applying insurance as a safeguard for you. Burnout exhausts your physical, emotional, and mental capacity. Your body is also aware of these shifts, which lead to burnout. They include:
- Lack of saying no
- Lack of how to say no
- Others take priority over you
- People-pleasing
- I can do it all myself
- Expectations that are unrealistic
- No appreciation for you
Now let’s take a look at how to set those boundaries. Understanding boundaries doesn’t make it easy to follow through with action. For that reason, building this skill will take some practice and holding strong through the awkward and distress.
Setting Boundaries in Everyday Life (3 Simple Steps)
- Name your feeling
- Use a mild script
- Practice saying “No” This Week
You must become aware of the interactions and conversations that activate your stress. What are you feeling? Where does your body express it? No need for judgment here, it’s about increasing your self-awareness, be curious. Take a pause and name your feeling; that is the first step toward change.
Review what you truly need before responding automatically. If you need to check a few items before committing, give yourself permission to do so. After that, try this starter phrase:
“Can we chat about this later today or tomorrow? I need some time to think about it”.
No explanation is needed. (This is the tough part for me). You can be short, firm, and kind.
Choose a mild situation that you can say no to this week. Instead of accepting the invite, decline. Respond to a message later, not immediately. Take notice of what happens (hint: the world doesn’t end, but you gain some time to digest the demand).
I want to point out that you should expect discomfort, but not a disaster.
Your nervous system may flag this as dangerous, but remember that old data we talked about? It’s old, not the current truth. The goal isn’t a perfectly comfortable boundary; it’s a clear one. Discomfort produces growth, not a sign you’ve done something wrong. Give yourself permission to set boundaries and make mistakes. It will improve over time.
If you’d like the exact scripts, I break them down in more detail on my Substack, including guidance on handling pushback. Link below.
The Text I Dreaded – by Shannon Scheerer
This is for educational purposes only. If you are in a crisis or have any thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else, please call the crisis hotline 988, 911, or go to the closest emergency room for evaluation. This does not replace professional help.
I share gentler reflections and practical nervous system support in The Gentle Reset Letter at Rootedwriter.com if you’d like company along the way
References:
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself [eBook edition]. TarcherPerigee.
Cole, T. (2021). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True.